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SHELO- A person who knows how to be happy though may be sad. I am a woman, a mother, a daughter. I am loving and caring. I have shattered dreams but I have hope.I have a God who arranges everything for me. I may not have a desirable past, but no one can destroy me and I am still standing. All I want is to be accepted and loved for who I am cause that is Me and That is all I can be.

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Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Am I Selfish?

Talking about selfish, how do you the define the word? According to the definition of the dictionary , Selfish or selfishness concerned chiefly or only with yourself and your advantage to the exclusion of others..

The relevant word above creates a puzzle in my mind. I questioned if "Am I being selfish" because of the situation where I seemed to be one.

I've heard a news from my One Great Love (my past, and never my present one) that He is on the way of having his own family soon. He and his girl's gonna have a baby soon. That led me to read between the words that He is finally getting married. I know him that much. He told me the heartbreaking news himself as he does not want me to hear it from anyone else, not even from his mama. The gesture touched me as I know that was a sign of respect and giving value to my feelings. Of course I wished him well. I said "I'm happy for You" "Congrats"... words of happiness but the heart was breaking when I uttered them.

The time which I feared most to come, finally is here. The thought of him getting married really haunted me, my dreams, and my senses. I was afraid of the excruciating pain it would bring to my heart. I cried a lot of tears that time. I am grieving because he is happy and I am not. Is it selfish of me to be feeling the way I do? Is this what Thesaurus calls "concerned chiefly of oneself"? Selfish in this situation may be knowing that I was the one who got married first to another one. Yet, I still feel jealous and holds a part of me that claims that he is still my own.

However, would you call me selfish if you know what I have been through? We parted ways almost 12 years from now because of an ill-fated circumstance that ended our strong, deep and serious togetherness. But honestly,from that parting time not one day passed that I have not loved him. I continued to love him and he knew very well of that. However, due to my great love and respect for him, not a single chance that I beg him to come back to me , no matter how much I wanted it. I considered his pride. I regarded of what other people has to say if he comes back to me. I deemed of his honor avoiding it be taunted by others' mockeries. I reflected that I was not worthy for him anymore. My person was broken. My honor was disillusioned. Therefore He is just too good to be mine forever. So I let go.Every time he get in touched with me before I always told him of my love but never did say please let's start all over again. My emotions seemed like to bearing mountains whenever I knew that he has another one to cherish. Jealousy stroke me so badly. However, I tried to live with it. I knelt in prayer asking the Lord to take away my love for him but it seem that I was not heard. I just let go of him but he never did leave from my heart. I let go because I wanted the best for him. I sought over for his happiness sacrificing my own. I know I will never be whole again. There is always a part of me that is left hallowed. It is his part and He could be the only one to make it complete.. But , it will never happen for I respected his choice of heart.

So am I being selfish? Am I selfish because I cried?I think I owe a little crying to myself. Crying really eased my burden. Call me selfish if you want for still feeling the way I do, I know I am a selfish being all my life for loving him so much, but I believe, I am never selfish in principle.. Letting go of him is the most unconcerned thing I did to my self sacrificing my own happiness in exchange for his HAPPY LIFE.

So to you my One Great Love, I wish you all the Happiness in the world that fate has taken away from me. May you have a Happy Family and blessed by the Lord with love and abundance.


4 comments:

Mommy Phebie said...

Mao bah? Az n? Now lang jud ko kabalo ana mem...No you're not selfish! Gang, just entrust or shall I say surrender it all to God what you're feeling towards him and surely mawala ra na...you should be happy for him! Ok?

Laine's Cutie Abode said...

Hi shel,

Reading on your post my answer is..Nope I guess your not selfish. Wala lang gyud ka naka completely let go of him. Siguro you really have to let go of him completely and accept the fact that you're really not meant for each other. Have this quote to share with you:

"Letting go of your past and memories are also extremely hard. Even though old memories can be tormenting, yet you might hold on to the past and refuse to move forward. However, by refusing to let go of the painful past, it'll serve as a roadblock to love."

Smile Shel ang wrinkles :)

Maricel said...

Hi Shelo,

Thanks for visiting my blog, I'll add you in my blogroll, please add me up too.

By the way, regarding this post, honestly, it made me cry... Why? We are on the same situation --- both a mom, but has this part of our hearts for someone else who we know will never be ours... So sad, but so true.

*Sighs* Anyways, it's not a selfish act, I may not know the full story with your One Great Love, but we are but human, and loving is our greatest weakness...

Maricel

Maricel said...

"But honestly,from that parting time not one day passed that I have not loved him. I continued to love him and he knew very well of that." grabe, this is really the part where I started crying...